Spikey Spam - Letter to Heinz

Dear Mr Heinz,

We hope you are well. We are great fan's of your 57 varieties but I do feel you are missing something. And we understand that in the current economic climate it can be hard to bring in new untested products on the UK consumers, but we really do believe we have a winning new product to add to your 57 varieties and make it a magic 58, which is Sam's favourite number.

We have come up with a product that can help alot of problems, pest control and will hardly cost a penny.

Spikey Spam will use the hedgehog cull in Uist every year to create an exciting and slightly dangerous meal. And everyone knows you enjoy things that little bit more when there is an element of danger.

You could also create many by-products from spikey spam. Such as spikey spam and country vegetable soup. Or your famous beans and spikey spam.

With meat in the UK constantly rising in price and farm animal welfare constantly talked about by many a celebrity chef, what better way to have free range, organic and free meat than hedgehogs.

We do hope you will take our suggestion into consideration when you next discuss with Mrs Heinz about new products and we do hope to hear from you on whether my suggestion has been accepted.

We thank you for your time.

All the best,
Sam and Mark

Cleaning the crown Jewels - Dove's Reply

Dear Sam,

Thank you for your recent enquiry regarding Dove Cream bar.

Unfortunately, I am unable to advise you whether or not you can use the Dove Cream Bar on your penis as every person reacts to every product differently.

However, I have managed to find a website that may be of use to you - http://www.malehealth.co.uk/userpage1.cfm?item_id=1356.

I hope this is a satisfactory answer to your query.

Kind Regards,

Joy Tareesut
Customer Services


Dove Advisor

Cleaning the crown jewels

Dear Mr Dove,

I have recently heard that you shouldn't wash your manly bits and under the little fella's hat with soap or shower gel as it drys the skin and makes it prone to bacterial infection.

However Dove Soap isn't ordinary soap as we all now it's 3/4 moisturising cream. Am I allowed to wash me toot and me fruit, my tickle tackle with your soap?

Please can you help,

Your's Truely,
Sam