Is Sofa Surfing Safe - Letter to Quicksilver

Dear Ms Quicksilver,

I do hope you are well. I am a big lover of your clothing brand and sponsership of extreme sports and feel you are one of the leaders in your industry. But, I have a bit of a problem that I need some advise. My friend recently told me he was going to be Sofa Surfing, and I'm a little worried that sofa's are very hard to surf with.

Being the number one sponser for THE greatest surfer of all time, Mr Kelly Slater. I feel you're advise or endorsement of sofa surfing would really put my mind to rest. Have you ever seen anyone sofa surf before? If so, can you provide pictures of such delights? Do you think a sofa would make a good surf board? Could you prehaps design my friend a sofa that is surfable?

Would you perhaps help to create a sofa surfing competition in the UK? What sofa do you think would be best, fastest, safest to surf with? Do you have any advise on safety for my friend before he takes to the waves on his sofa?

It is a leather sofa, will the leather be waterproof enough to stop the sofa from sinking?

I thank you for your time on this matter and really hope to hear back from you soon. I'm not too sure how much longer I can hold him back from attempting to surf on a sofa and I really don't want him to do himself an injury.

All the best,
Sam

Spikey spam - Heinz Reply

Dear Sir/Madam

We acknowledge your recent communication.

We note your comments and can assure you that our Research, Packaging and Design Department will be informed of your views.

Thank you for taking the trouble to contact us on the matter.

Yours sincerely

Sara Davenport
Careline Advisor

Spikey Spam - Letter to Heinz

Dear Mr Heinz,

We hope you are well. We are great fan's of your 57 varieties but I do feel you are missing something. And we understand that in the current economic climate it can be hard to bring in new untested products on the UK consumers, but we really do believe we have a winning new product to add to your 57 varieties and make it a magic 58, which is Sam's favourite number.

We have come up with a product that can help alot of problems, pest control and will hardly cost a penny.

Spikey Spam will use the hedgehog cull in Uist every year to create an exciting and slightly dangerous meal. And everyone knows you enjoy things that little bit more when there is an element of danger.

You could also create many by-products from spikey spam. Such as spikey spam and country vegetable soup. Or your famous beans and spikey spam.

With meat in the UK constantly rising in price and farm animal welfare constantly talked about by many a celebrity chef, what better way to have free range, organic and free meat than hedgehogs.

We do hope you will take our suggestion into consideration when you next discuss with Mrs Heinz about new products and we do hope to hear from you on whether my suggestion has been accepted.

We thank you for your time.

All the best,
Sam and Mark

Cleaning the crown Jewels - Dove's Reply

Dear Sam,

Thank you for your recent enquiry regarding Dove Cream bar.

Unfortunately, I am unable to advise you whether or not you can use the Dove Cream Bar on your penis as every person reacts to every product differently.

However, I have managed to find a website that may be of use to you - http://www.malehealth.co.uk/userpage1.cfm?item_id=1356.

I hope this is a satisfactory answer to your query.

Kind Regards,

Joy Tareesut
Customer Services


Dove Advisor

Cleaning the crown jewels

Dear Mr Dove,

I have recently heard that you shouldn't wash your manly bits and under the little fella's hat with soap or shower gel as it drys the skin and makes it prone to bacterial infection.

However Dove Soap isn't ordinary soap as we all now it's 3/4 moisturising cream. Am I allowed to wash me toot and me fruit, my tickle tackle with your soap?

Please can you help,

Your's Truely,
Sam